Saturday, August 22, 2015

Rest Easy Beautiful

     On July 19 on her 18th birthday, I lost my beautiful niece Jordan Renee in a car accident. We all went to my brothers house to celebrate her birthday that day. We arrived late, but got there just in time for cake. We laughed, ate cake and teased her that she had to leave to go to work and we would be at the house swimming for her birthday, but that's being an adult after all. She hugged us and told us she loved us and left. An hour or so later, my parents left. Chris, the kids and I stayed to visit with my brother, Julie, Jessie, Kenny, Colt, and John. Within twenty minutes, my parents were back.  We were sure dad forgot something, but instead they said there was a bad accident and the road was closed. We still didn't think too much of it. Jordie had left some time before.  But to be on the safe side, her mom called the store she was working at to make sure she arrived safely. While she was on hold waiting to see if she was there, a giant buck walked down the middle of the road and just watched us as we watched it. When we found out she was not at work, my dad and brother drove back down to the accident. We stayed at the house and were still sure that it wasn't her. We knew she was late for work because of the accident and had to turn around and go the long way. When my brother and dad returned, I knew from the look on my brothers face while they were still pulling in there was bad news. Yet I was still sure, that she was going to be ok. When he spoke the words "she's gone", it was like the earth cracked. My brothers face and those words haunt my dreams and my thoughts every day. My brain couldn't comprehend it. I could think of nothing to say but no. As the minutes turned to hours, then to days, I still just couldn't believe that this could be happening. We were supposed to be in NYC for her birthday. Like we had been the year before. Like we had been every year for the last several years. I had to reschedule because of work this year. We were booked to go on August 6. We had been planning all the new places we wanted to visit for weeks. Now, just over a month later, I am still feeling lost. Chris's friend said something to the effect of "No human in all the world has ever learned to deal with loss/grief". When I become so lost that I cannot breath, I think of her smile. She was 18 years old and already had learned all the things I have been trying to figure out my whole life. She knew each day was a blessing, she loved loudly, and lived every day to the fullest. She was unlike myself and really most all women I know. She didn't hold a grudge and she didn't stay angry. She used to message me and tell me about a new band she found that she was sure I would love. Chris and I encouraged her hippie side. We gave her a guitar, books, and encouraged her to think freely. She loved hooping at music festivals. Sophie adored her. She wanted to be her. She would get mad because I wouldn't let her wear shirts that were too small so her belly would stick out like JoJo's did. I keep telling myself when I am trying to sleep, but can't get her out of my mind that she was just too big and perfect for this harsh imperfect world.

My family is slowly unraveling. I would like to be of some help, but I'm right there with them. I am bitter and angry at the entire world. I am angry that the world just keeps spinning. People are just going about their lives.

I keep reading this and trying to convince my self, but I can't. I get why people are religious. Anything to make this awful gut wrenching pain stop.  All the stuff that mattered so much is so trivial, and I get pissed at myself for letting the Duggars or Trump piss me off. Life is entirely too short and important to worry about shit that doesn't directly affect me.
July 19, 2014